Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
