I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
