I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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