I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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