I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
