I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
this is an emotional support booty call
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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