Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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