the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
