I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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