i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
