so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Acid is not a monday night drug
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You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
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