You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
