On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
now i know why i became what i already was.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...