The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
