remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
