She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize