I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
