Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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