Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I looked at my own cervix.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
