4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
