every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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