Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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