Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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