my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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