I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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