so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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