I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
