did you get engaged???
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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