good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
