so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
