the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
