Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
