I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
