i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
