I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
