Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
