he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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