and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
