so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Hippo gnu deer
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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