threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
