Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
