Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
we're so committed to being not committed
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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