You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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