no, he came in my armpit
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
is it fun? or sober?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
