i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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