Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
