I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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