Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Randomize
