In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
