did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
