How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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