did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
