you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
