I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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